Thursday, June 13, 2013

No Is An Answer. It's Just A Lame Answer.

Life has mostly gone back to normal. My body feels like my own again. My physical strength is almost as it was as well. I am worn down but my blood work came back normal so it’s likely due to lack of sleep and emotions. I seem to be making up for lost time with my son and have noticed I am picking him up and carrying him often. I was unable to carry him while pregnant and once the spotting and light bedrest started I had to be even more mindful about how I interacted with him. He was accustomed to me scooping him up to play, lifting him into and out of the car, carrying him in parking lots and picking him up to see things from a higher vantage point whenever he asked so my not being able to do that was difficult for both of us. I’ll need to wean us both of this again as it’s killing my back and making him more clingy but for now I’m relishing carrying him and having him close. I’ve gained a few poor-me pounds and need to address my bad eating habits again but that sounds hard and dull so I’m putting that off for now too. Not too long though, we have a Hawaiian vacation planned in a few months and I want to be comfortable running around in a swim suit on the beach. I can do it. I just need to commit to it again.

The most significant conundrum now is my own internal dialogue around trying to extract meaning or a lesson from this experience. I am sad, of course, but mostly I’m confused. I have prayed for years that we either be blessed with another child or the desire for one is taken away from me. We not only got pregnant but I was pregnant with twins! Embryo A failed quickly but Embryo B was normal for a time, then sputtered and eventually stopped progressing. What was that all about? What’s the message in there? Right now it feels as though Request Denied has been stamped on the prayers I’ve submitted over the last many years. No is just as much an answer as Yes is. Plus I am knocking on 40’s door. It feels as though time is up.
At this point my dream of having a bigger family and giving my son a sibling is not going to happen. While accepting this idea is hard, I do still get to be Mama to our beautiful, precious boy. The other miscarriages were prior to TB and things felt hopeless and we were full of fear and doubt. This time around I see clearly how blessed I already am and I am grateful. I will learn to be content as well.

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