Monday, January 27, 2014

To Make Free of Something Unwanted

I'm not one to make New Year's resolutions. I consider writing something down each year and each year decide it's not for me. I'm also not one who usually jumps on fads or fashion bandwagons. I can appreciate chevron, for example, in small amounts and from a distance but mostly I see it as today's version of the burnt orange and mustard colored flower wall paper from the 60's. It's in today but we'll be cringing over how dated it seems in a few years. That being said, some of the bloggers I read pick a word each year that represents their goal. It sets the tone for the mind-set she wants to foster or the goal she wants to reach that year. While reading one such entry my word for the year came to mind and it's stuck with me for weeks. So, I guess this year I do have a resolution or official goal or a special word or whatever you want to call it to work towards. My word for 2014 is "Purge." I want to purge the clutter from my home, the waste from my time, and the lbs from my person.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Movie Day

You know the saying, The days are long but the years are short? I feel as though I am living this out daily. Some days are hard and full of power struggles, random crankiness and boredom. Then there are days when I make a special effort for the boy and he recognizes it as special and thus soaks up every interaction and action. Yesterday was one of those days and I want to remember it always.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Never Enough Storage

TB and I went to Ikea today. I've been meaning to get there for months but in my mind it is far away from my house and the store itself is overwhelming due to size and their self-service warehouse deal. Turns out it's really only about 20 minutes from my house. If you take the right exit from the highway. Which I did not. And the store IS big but if you go during the week the crowd isn't that bad. TB and I had not eaten lunch so the first thing we did was go upstairs to the restaurant. Buffet is not my favorite way to dine but TB loved the adventure of pushing our tray around and looking at the food before ordering it. He also got a kick out of picking out which table he wanted to sit at and which chair suited him best at the table. We had the afternoon to kill so it was fun to indulge him.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

No Is An Answer. It's Just A Lame Answer.

Life has mostly gone back to normal. My body feels like my own again. My physical strength is almost as it was as well. I am worn down but my blood work came back normal so it’s likely due to lack of sleep and emotions. I seem to be making up for lost time with my son and have noticed I am picking him up and carrying him often. I was unable to carry him while pregnant and once the spotting and light bedrest started I had to be even more mindful about how I interacted with him. He was accustomed to me scooping him up to play, lifting him into and out of the car, carrying him in parking lots and picking him up to see things from a higher vantage point whenever he asked so my not being able to do that was difficult for both of us. I’ll need to wean us both of this again as it’s killing my back and making him more clingy but for now I’m relishing carrying him and having him close. I’ve gained a few poor-me pounds and need to address my bad eating habits again but that sounds hard and dull so I’m putting that off for now too. Not too long though, we have a Hawaiian vacation planned in a few months and I want to be comfortable running around in a swim suit on the beach. I can do it. I just need to commit to it again.

The most significant conundrum now is my own internal dialogue around trying to extract meaning or a lesson from this experience. I am sad, of course, but mostly I’m confused. I have prayed for years that we either be blessed with another child or the desire for one is taken away from me. We not only got pregnant but I was pregnant with twins! Embryo A failed quickly but Embryo B was normal for a time, then sputtered and eventually stopped progressing. What was that all about? What’s the message in there? Right now it feels as though Request Denied has been stamped on the prayers I’ve submitted over the last many years. No is just as much an answer as Yes is. Plus I am knocking on 40’s door. It feels as though time is up.
At this point my dream of having a bigger family and giving my son a sibling is not going to happen. While accepting this idea is hard, I do still get to be Mama to our beautiful, precious boy. The other miscarriages were prior to TB and things felt hopeless and we were full of fear and doubt. This time around I see clearly how blessed I already am and I am grateful. I will learn to be content as well.

Friday, May 10, 2013

On Miscarriage

She has questioned me about medications and pre existing health issues, my address and insurance coverage for 20 minutes. Entering my responses into the right autofill bubbles on her computer throws her for a loop each time I give a response. Computers are not for the patients' convenience. Nor the workers is seems.

“How tall are you?”

“How much do you weigh?”


“Are you familiar with the 0-10 pain scale? What is your current level of pain?”

“Around a 2.”

“Crampy and stuff, huh. Do you know why you are here today?”

“Yes. Surgery.”

“What kind of surgery?”


“What is your pain goal for when you leave here today?”

“Well it’s surgery, right? Seems there will be some pain.” Nurse does not respond. I am irritated by the useless question and her insistence that it’s of value. To make a point I say,“Well, my goal is zero. “

“Well, you are having surgery.”
“Yes, I am aware. If I’m going to set a goal, might as well make it a good one. My goal is zero.”

She lets out a sigh. She is clearly not pleased with my response. “Well, we’ll do our best to make you comfortable.”

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Explaining Easter to the Littles

Holidays have become so much more meaningful (and fun) for me since becoming a parent. I enjoy teaching my son about the meaning behind the religious holidays my family observes and the traditions that go along with those days. Admittedly it is challenging to tie some traditions to the deeper stuff. Crucifixion and a large bunny that hides plastic eggs filled with stuff around your house? What? Anyway, after initiating a conversation with my 3 y.o. I realized how gory and scary the story would be to him and I went with the Easter-lite version. I've since looked up this guide recommending how much to share about the Crucifixion based on the age of your little one and thought some of you might be interested in this info as well. You're on your own with the bunny thing though. :)